Boy, that’s one heck of a title, huh? Can you believe I’m really arrogant enough to insinuate that I know what our wives and partners want from us?
Well, I don’t. I can’t truthfully say what they really want.
Why? I’m not them.
I’ve been married almost 5 years. I’ve built and run three businesses in the past 12 years. So I definitely have a perspective - and a whole heap of guesses - about what our wives and partners want.
For instance, I know that my wife wants security - especially being a mother. She wants security for herself, our children, our home, and our relationship. It became even more important once we got pregnant with our first child.
I also know that my wife needs me. She needs time with me. Time with me away from my office; away from my business. Time to be with her, as her husband, who loves her and cares about her needs. In other words, she needs me to make efforts to nurture our relationship.
So there’s two examples of things my wife, at least wants. Now I could make a blanket statement and say that our partners all want security. And that could be true. Yet isn’t it presumptuous for me to say what someone else wants?
I sure think it is. That’s why I’d love to kick off a conversation on this topic.
To eDads: What do you feel, think, sense that your wives and partners want from us?
To eMoms: What do you really want from us - as men, husbands, dads, business owners, etc?
So what do you think?
Hi, I’m Dawud Miracle. Professionally, I’m a blog and marketing consultant, business coach, educator and web developer who helps people use their websites to grow their business. I’m also a devoted husband and father to two, soon to be three, children. Please let me know if I can help you in any way.
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I agree with security and time. I know that my wife also likes physical(non sexual) touching as affirmation of our love for each other.
I also know that my wife says that my willingness to listen to criticism and be a person that is continually trying to grow is one of the greatest traits in a spouse. I think I might have to agree with her. If your spouse is constantly seeking growth, then you can have faith that all of the other ‘needs’ will be met.
My husband is not an eDad - he works 8-5 with a hellacious commute (can I use that adjective here?) as a corporate attorney.
Regardless, the what women want question is still valid…
Personally, I need my spouse to demonstrate responsibility, more than provide security, as I’m capable of making ends meet myself.
I need respect, and to be really listened to. John Gottman, a noted marriage researcher, lists “men’s lack of willingness to listen to and be influenced by their wives” as a frequent problem in marriages he sees.
And following on to that, I need communication and companionship. It’s all too easy for partners of both gender to unwind from their day by turning on the tv or pursuing solo avocations (blogging, anyone?) and that tendency/boundary issue is probably more pronounced with work-at-home spouses, but those are essentially isolating activities.
Instead, we need time with our significant other where we focus on each other - it doesn’t have to be a dreaded “let’s talk about our relationship” session - but could include walks, a yard project, a trip to the dog park, or an expedition to the boat show.
Great question!
Since I just wrote about this subject for the How-To Group Research Project, I better chime in.
My wife wants me not to kill myself by overworking, not sleeping, eating poorly, etc.
My wife wants me to take care of myself.
I’d put security up on the top of the list too, although she knew what she was getting into when she married me (just passed 6 years!)
What i really want from my super fantastic husband is support. i like to hear affirming words about how awesome i am. and i like to hear him tell the kids that too.
Hi Everyone, I have been lurking around reading posts and getting familiar with the site, and feel it’s as good a time as any to jump in and introduce myself.
This is a great question, and the funny thing is, I don’t think it’s asked enough, at least not of me.
I agree with all the comments as top wants from my spouse, but the truth is, when I read the question, something else immediately popped into my head.
The other day my husband was going to work and I was sitting at the kitchen table feeding my 1 year old. He leaned in and kissed me “goodbye” as usual, but that day he lingered for a couple of moments longer in the kiss.
The effect? I smiled from the inside out all day as I thought of him. And I thought of him a LOT. He shook me out of our normal routine and made me feel very loved just because he made an effort to do so. It was like, here’s your kiss because I love you, and I’m lingering here because I really mean it.
So in response to the question, I would say that I need my husband to show me he loves me and that I am special to him.
Thanks for the question!
I have found the most magic in the simplest question of all - so simple that you wouldn’t think to ask:
What Has to Happen in Order for You to Feel Loved?
The reason this is such a magical question is because most spouses show their love and affection in the manner and style in which THEY would like love to be shown to them.
But your spouse might have a different way of feeling loved, in which case your expressions of love might be getting ‘lost in translation’.
But when you ask the question, be sure to get answers that are ‘in the positive’, meaning that they are things you can actually do, instead of a list of ‘negatives’, like “don’t do X, stop doing Y…”
Hope that all made sense as my fingers can’t seem to keep up with my thoughts today.
One of the most important things for me is for my husband to just be happy. Sure all the other stuff is important, but I think that is pretty close to the top of my list.
What is the point of working 12hrs/7 days a week (which he has done)it can’t make you happy, nor can the money help buy you happy.
Your comments are great. Thanks.
What I find lovely is while there are similarities between people, we all need something a little different from our spouses and partners.
And Keely, I do agree with you - I don’t think this question is asked enough.
I agree totally with your two items, more the time with me as my husband though. I am living with my father-in-law and it seems everything we do now is the 4 of us. I need time that is just the 3 of us (my 2 year old daughter) and then time that is just the two of us too.
My husband is a neat freak with a paranoia to insects and I need to not hear about it when I leave a glass by my computer or by the couch or where ever. I know it is a bad habit and I know I shouldn’t do it because it might draw a ant or something. I do try, but it is way harder for me than him. I don’t have his tendencies. How stupid is that? LOL… I know.
Oh, Wendy, you’re so right! This is such a powerful distinction to make in a relationship. I remember my husband and I once having a discussion about how he needed me to show him that I love him more than I did. My reaction was, “What are you talking about?! I show you all the time!” To which he responded, “How?”
And I reminded him how I did all these things for him everyday (got his things ready to go to work in the morning, made sure dinner was ready after his long work day, etc.). Then what he said shocked me. He said he needed to feel appreciated for what he does for the family, and that would show him that I loved him.
So all this time I’m showing him by doing acts of kindness when what he wants is words of praise and appreciation. I really understood this communication breakdown when I realized I was showing him love in the way I wanted to be shown (like you said, Wendy).
Yep, that was something very valuable to learn. And it feels so good to see the look on his face when I truly appreciate him.
For some women just being with them is not enough, they need jewelery, no objection for shopping…
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about needing to be a better husband for my wife, as I was beginning to take all of her hard work for granted as I was spending a lot of time at work.
Something that I think is very important is having open communication. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking your spouse/partner if there is anything more they need from you.
When my wife and I talked about everything, I came away with a few things that I needed to do differently. Something she really needs and wants is a “date night” where we get out without the kids. In addition, I am trying to spend less time on the computer blogging until after the kids and my wife are asleep for the night. I was getting into a habit of waiting until after the kids went to sleep but that resulted in my wife and I being isolated from each other when the kids were sleeping.
Great post Dawud!
Your wife sounds more and more like me Dawud. Security is a must for me. Being a person with trust issues linked to a horrible first ‘night’marriage - I’ve concluded that the one thing I need most above all else is positive predictability.
My dh is an edad.
He is self employed and works from home….
From him I would like to see a bit more organization.
A bit more recognition of MY input….
But otherwise he does great. He saves our money….he works hard for our security AND makes sure he is around for his family.
We are pretty lucky
These are great. Please, keep ‘em coming. I’ve now learned that women need jewelry as well as tenderness, security and love.
And Derek, I hear you. Communication is key.