So, I’ve done a pretty good job so far of not ranting during this series on grant writing, even though I warned you I might. Well, all bets are off now, because this is where I’m going to tell you about some of the not-so-pleasant aspects of grant writing. Actually, the writing itself is pretty great, it’s dealing with the people who want grants that can be the most difficult part. When working as a freelance grant writer, you will most likely run across the following statements, all of which should make you cringe:

“Just write yourself into the grant . . .”
For some reason, tons of people seem to think that it’s OK for you to wait to get paid until the grant funding actually comes in. There are a few problems with this. First of all, it’s unethical for a client to expect you to work for free. Let’s face it, grants are extremely competitive, and there’s a good chance that no matter how awesome you are, the proposal won’t be funded. That means that you will have spent hours, days, weeks, or whatever working away for an organization that probably has about a 10% chance of paying you for all of your hard work. Don’t do it.

One of the best ways to work around this, in my experience, is to act like you’re really sorry that this suggestion won’t work “because the grant makers don’t permit us to write ourselves into the grant.” The only part that’s not true is that you’re disappointed about it.

“I’m a woman/minority/disabled veteran starting my own business, and I’m sure the government will give me a grant to start it because of my gender/minority/veteran status . . .”
It is possible that there are grants specific to this person’s needs, and if he or she happens to know of one, that’s wonderful! You can review the guidelines with the prospective client and help him or her determine if it’s a good match. If the client simply thinks a grant is forthcoming because of this status and hasn’t actually done any research, then your job just got exponentially harder.

If you are going to spend your time looking for grant opportunities for entrepreneurs, then be prepared to charge them an hourly rate (up front) because this is a lot of work. What you’re probably going to find is that there are some nice small business loans out there but not a whole lot of money that won’t have to be paid back.

“We’ll pay you if the grant comes through . . .”
This is similar to the first statement, with the exception that the client is audacious enough to tell you that he doesn’t plan to pay you. Again, you’re going to want to stay away from this type of arrangement because it’s just not fair or worth your time.

“Will you be on our board of directors?”
I got this one several times when I was in my early-to-mid twenties, and it made me feel so great. After all, I was studying for a Master’s Degree in Organizational Leadership with an emphasis in Nonprofit Organizations. I sort of felt like I’d “arrived” the first couple of times I was approached to sit on a board. It didn’t take long for me to figure out, however, that it had little to do with any part of my education, with the exception of my grant writing courses. Still, if you think t would be fun to be on a board of directors and don’t mind donating your talents, it’s kind of cool to be invited.

“I’ll get you the absolutely essential information that you require to do your job . . . later . . .”
There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Grants are 100% time-sensitive. People push the limits so far that whether or not your grant proposal even gets considered might come down to the time stamped on the postmark. Oh, and they always take longer than you expect. For this reason, it is absolutely imperative that your client be on board with providing you with any and all information in a timely manner. When you’re down to the wire on a deadline, he’s not going to be thinking, ‘Gee, I should have gotten that budget to her sooner.” He’s going to be thinking, “She should have been done with this already!”

“We’re a small organization, and we just don’t have the money to pay a grant writer . . .”
This is probably completely true. Unfortunately, if the organization can’t afford to hire someone to write a grant, they’re probably also not in a good enough financial situation that a grant maker is going to want to fund them. You can nicely point out to them that they’re going to save plenty of money by going with a freelance writer because they don’t have to put you on the payroll or pay you for state-mandated coffee breaks. If you want to be a volunteer grant writer, that’s a wonderful, noble thing. If you want to be a paid grant writer . . . get paid to write grants.

“I’m a scheming guy who thinks I can get something for nothing, so I want you to find me ‘5-10 possible funders’ to build my ‘2 story log cabin w/composite deck, on-demand water heater, new septic tank and pump, 50 KW diesel generator, biodiesel equipment to make biodiesel for generator, 3 pellet stoves ( 1 for house, 1 for pool room, 1 for business), 2nd log cabin building for my wife’s business which will include a computerized long arm quilting machine. The 2nd cabin will be divided in two parts with the business in one side and a 16 X 30 concrete pool in the other side with various accessories/options, aggrgate concrete pad i pool room. In order to make the county happy, the current house must be demolished.’”

The part in the single quotes was an actual “grant writing job” offered several weeks ago on Guru.com. Apparently he thought it was fundable because he wanted to use some environmentally-sound building practices. Um . . .no.

Now you see why I have to fight the urge to rant.

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