I just read about the suicide of Megan Meier (via MumDinger) . She was a girl who struggled with depression from a young age - but found a new friend named Josh on MySpace that brought new hope to her life.
The sick and twisted side to the story is that there was no Josh. Indeed, “Josh’s” profile was created specifically to trick Megan - and things rapidly got out-of-hand with “Josh” saying things like, “Megan Meier is a slut. Megan Meier is fat.” But it gets worse - it wasn’t just the vengeful friend doing this to Megan.
It was also the friend’s parents.
And it was because of that out-of-hand conversation that Megan hung herself.
My chest feels heavy and I can hardly breathe as I think about what kind of adult would do that to a 13 year old child - especially since I HAVE a 13 year old child and I know what a difficult time it is for any kid at that age to overcome insecurities.
Although the story is somewhat extreme, I realized that we deal with this kind of internet rage daily. Trolls. Flame wars. Nasty comments. All these things that people would NEVER do if they were actually face to face - instead hiding behind a keyboard and attacking as a way to feel important and feed a hollow ego.
We seem to have become desensitized to it when it comes to celebrity bashing. Somehow people can justify speaking reprehensible words if they are directed at Jennifer Love Hewitt, who, as a celebrity, is supposed to be perfect, right?
Warning - this comment from TMZ.com about her is not for the faint of heart (or really for anyone who has a heart, for that matter):
But in fact, it’s not just celebrities that are the brunt of cyber-rage. I’ve gotten comments just as bad as the one above on both this blog and my Entrepreneur.com blog - but only when an article has hit the front page of Digg.
And I’m far from alone - when I was doing research for this post, I shot a note off to Muhammad Saleem & Tamar Weinberg, both top diggers. I asked for examples of personal attacks they had seen on Digg - and when I got them back, I wished I hadn’t asked.
Racism. Sexism. The Digg community goes beyond cyber-rage at times to pure hate. Hate that if spoken in a public place, would silence a room full of thousands of people with gasps of shock and disgust.
When Muhammad wrote an article for Search Engine Land on Social Media, it got to the front page of Digg. But with a name like “Muhammad”, members of the Digg community attacked both him and his content based solely on the fact that with that name they assumed he was a fire-breathing terrorist:
So what does this all have to do with Megan Meier?
Although her situation is both complicated and tragic, the people that verbally attacked her used far more benign words than has come to be expected of the Digg community. Saying “Megan Meier is a slut” or “Megan Meier is fat” on Digg wouldn’t even make us bat an eyelash, for the most part.
And although I don’t think it’s fair to say that those two phrases (or whatever they said) drove Megan to suicide alone, I also think it is fair to say that the people who attacked Megan cannot completely wash their hands clean of guilt, either.
Social Media is a double edged sword. We connect, we make friends, we change lives, we make a difference. But I really can’t comprehend what justifications people use to launch these attacks on other human beings. It’s not up to me to tell the Digg community to be nice. And frankly, it’s not just Digg - nearly all of the social bookmarking sites have seen their share of Trolls.
But I can highlight the consequences of the choices people make when they chose to vent their rage at perfect strangers. …In the hopes that at least a few people can start to treat each other with the same respect that they would give if they were to meet each other face to face.
And interestingly, Megan Meier’s mom is now working with legislators to not only make these kinds of cyber-attacks illegal, but she also wants to go after sites that give cyber-bullies a forum. It’s a slippery slope to be sure, but has huge implications for all social media sites, forums, and communities that don’t crack down enough on inappropriate and abusive users.
What do you think? Is there a way to prevent such attacks? And how have you handled it if/when it happened to you?
Sparkplugging Founder Wendy Piersall is dang passionate about helping people start & grow a business while maintaining life balance (somehow).
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I read that story a few days ago too. That parents could be involved is truly disgusting.
Stopping that kind of behavior online is difficult for the same basic reason that it happens. You’re pretty much anonymous online. Makes it easy to say all kinds of hateful things. After all, no worry that it’s going to get you into a physical fight or likely have any other consequences.
Wendy -
Thanks for this post. I am so saddened to hear what a grown person would do to a young girl like Megan Meier. I’m tearing up, actually. I wish things like that didn’t happen.
And as for the rest of the post - it needed to be said. People have become vicious and negative online and it’s very damaging. I don’t want to throw away the baby with the bathwater, but sometimes I don’t even want to mess with Digg or Facebook or other social media for those very reasons.
And I’ve only received one mean comment, and it was on my personal blog that I don’t promote or advertise in any way. The comment was filthy and rude, and I just deleted it and that was that. That doesn’t stop them from doing it elsewhere, though…I don’t know if there’s a solution.
Sorry to be so verbose, but it’s a topic I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. Thanks again for this post.
Holli - no apology necessary! It’s a tough issue that really can only change with conversation and awareness, neither of which is very easy or comfortable when it comes to this subject.
I was thinking about trolling and such today, actually, and I just get so ticked off at people who think that because it’s “the internet,” it is acceptable to say anything they desire. I’ve been trolled and flamed (seriously, who flames someone for suggesting it’s a good idea to conserve energy?) and have had to come up with my own methods for dealing with it. Just because I leave my blogs open for comments doesn’t mean that I have to accept someone’s distasteful words. People get so fired up about whether or not it’s o.k. to delete comments (or disable comments) on a blog, and I say, “Of course it’s o.k.” It’s *your* effing blog. If someone’s mad at me for censoring what they had to say, then maybe they should rethink whether or not the comment was appropriate in the first place.
O.K., O.K. I’ve gotten myself all worked up here. This topic never fails to get me all into a tizzy. What the hell is wrong with using a little common sense and good manners? I also wonder if the ability to say whatever you want online is going to eventually creep into our social constructs outside of the internet. Once we get desensitized to bashing other people or always airing our ugliest opinions online, will we start to feel comfortable doing it other places? I suspect many people have already made that leap . . . Have you watched any reality t.v. lately?
My husband and I run several websites and we talk about these issues all the time. It seems that behind the computer people will say anything. It is unfortunate. However, I don’t think it will stop anytime soon because there are no repercussions. And, now people do it for fun! It’s like they are trying to see who can come up with the worst thing to say for the most attention!
I’ve gotten quite a few negative comments. I deal with it then move on.
It’s obvious that these anonymous commenters and people like those in the story have serious problems.
That story makes me so sad. How can people be so cruel? So I don’t think legislation is the way to stop this problem. It sure doesn’t do much for spam! I think we need to self police. I agree with lornadoone. Comments that are hateful in nature should be deleted. If they have an account the account should be suspended or deleted. If you don’t have the power to do that then at least totally ignored. The people who are making these comments are trying to get attention. Take that attention away and protect others from seeing it. Eventually they may get tired of talking to thin air and being shunned… just like they would be if they said stuff like that in real life.
One feature I want to set up on my site is voting on comments. Then low ranking comments are automatically bounced down or off the site. However I want to try and train users to only use it to moderate people who spam or speak evilly.. not just for people they disagree with but who make good arguments. I’m still trying to figure out if that’s possible or if people will still vote down views they don’t like even when said nicely.
It’s awful to hear about people acting so cruelly, particularly parents. I think the best way we can stop this kind of behavior is to not encourage it - whether through comments or actions - if it all went ignored it would all disappear. I think this is particularly true of celebrity bashing as there would be no money in it.
Maybe the best thing would be to teach the Megans of the world (and ourselves) that the trolls don’t matter, and that by paying attention to them, we only make them stronger. Maybe this will help us keep the trolls in the dark places - where they belong.
Horrifying story. I have a 13-year-old daughter too. I was also bullied in school when I was that age so I know first-hand how it can effect your life for years and years to come.
Thank you Wendy, for writing about this so honestly. I appreciate you and your efforts. I don’t know the answer. I think self-policing is the best way, but I’d like my efforts to have some teeth in them, meaning if someone is going too far or crossing the line, I can inflict a bit more pain on them than just deleting their drivel and hate.
One of my friends has said that the internet is a haven for the mentally ill. And sometimes I agree with him. People who can’t effectively interact with normal human beings have a chance to interact with anyone on the web. Unfortunately, this sometimes results in trolls, flamewars and other abuse. These types of messages are as old as the internet. ARPANet had it’s share of trolls as did Usenet.
In terms of blogs, moderating the comments manually might be the best solution. (Hopefully the moderator doesn’t get depressed him/herself.) As for the MySpace thing, I guess there’s no real solution to it except to build yourself up to be tougher.
I agree with Kelvin Kao that ‘In terms of blogs, moderating the comments manually might be the best solution.’
Actually, I can hardly believe that there are still webmasters who don’t moderate comments made on their blogs and forums. At very least the Akismet plugin should be installed on Wordpress blogs.
My forum has 3 moderators and they work hard to make sure members abide with my #1 rule which is BE NICE. We don’t tolerate any abuse of or by members whatsoever and anyone caught acting otherwise is tossed out on their ear.
As for kids… we need to teach them to be equally resistant to abuse. Personal attacks, verbal or otherwise are always unacceptable… period.
I agree with everything above and think your post is a great start. Moderating comments is the only option. I’ve only had a few negative comments so far and when they come I delete.
It’s so sad that a child had to go through this form of bullying. And based on some things I’ve read regarding parents and sports..this doesn’t surprise me at all.
Sites like yours will continue to give good advice and make us more aware of the atrocities we otherwise may not have known about. I’ll offer my site whenever possible where it can help spread the word.
I’m so sorry for the family of the little girl..there are no words for their grief..my prayers for their strength.
See you in a week.
Dorothy from grammology
call gram..
http://www.grammology.com
if I’m not suppose to give my url please let me know..?
A beautifully well written article about a very sad story. Unfortunately, these vicious trolls are everywhere. In fact, I just completed a series of posts about my own experience with bullies and trolls on StumbleUpon.
I still believe good people can run the trolls into hiding if we show no fear and confront the problem head-on. There is no need to be afraid of these morons. What they write are just words on a screen. Besides, I found out there are some positive returns for taking them on.
Thank you for taking up this cause and writing such a wonderful article.
The situation with that girl makes me so sick to my stomach. Self-esteem at that age is such a fragile thing. I couldn’t believe it when I read that there were adults involved in perpetuating the bullying.
I moderate comments on my blog specifically to keep off any nasty comments or attacks on others which can sometimes flare up when discussing deaf issues. I’ve seen some terrible comments left on blogs that directly attact others in the deaf community– it saddens me that people can be downright mean.
It’s a horrible situation, but MySpace and social media are just the platform for these types of comments. It’s the people themselves that make these comments.
Kids say horrible things to my kids to their face at school. It’s my responsibility to teach them that it’s the other kids who have a problem - usually jealousy.
I can’t say that I would support legislation over the matter. First Amendment is free speech - whether we like that speech or not. And there are other options to handle these types of things.
Additionally, suicide is a very complicated issue that stems from deep depression. Many girls are flamed and don’t commit suicide.
What I’m ultimately saying - is that there are no pat answers or solutions to what has happened.
I had to rethink my policy on comments after posting “12 Things to Hate About Football” at 7 Babes A Blogging. The post was submitted to a social media site and it wasn’t long before a verbal attack began. There weren’t very many arguments rebutting my thoughts. Instead I was called names (Like wh*re and c**t) and told to get in the kitchen and make a sammich. Oh and they photoshopped my face, compared it to a horse and made a whole bunch of jokes about that. Then they followed me to all my different blogs and repeated the same comments.
I wondered, would they treat the women in their lives this same way in the real world? How they feel if someone said these things to their sisters or moms?
Though this is the first such attack on me, I’ve seen it before and it makes me sad each time. Keyboard courage is painful lesson for many.
While the Megan Meier case seems outrageous and unique, it isn’t. Hundreds of cases of egregious and heinous acts go on every day with the same excuses out of our lawmakers.
One such other case….The case of Nikki Catsouras, is a classic example of disgusting, hateful activity against innocent victims, while our lawmakers excuse themselves from enacting laws to prevent this.
The excuse lawmakers use to let themselves off the hook stem from the growth of the Internet and how fast it’s changing. This is a sham.
Chat rooms, message boards, instant messengers and email have been in existence for far over a decade now. While the software used to transmit messages changes slightly, the basic essence of using the Internet to send a message is largely the same. Is a decade or two long enough to establish some basic decency laws in regards to Internet usage?
I’ve posted the Nikki Catsouras story along with many details about the Megan Meier case so the inactivity out of our lawmakers towards these types of cases can be clearly seen.
Those who are interested in learning about cases like Megan’s and Nikki’s case are encouraged to drop by and comment on them. I have a couple of polls set up as well. Danny Vice would like to hear your point of view.
Public awareness of the problem and discussions about possible solutions are the best way to pressure elected officials into action instead of excuse making.
I invite you to come by and share your opinion.
Danny Vice
http://weeklyvice.blogspot.com